When Life Gets in the Way

First of all I'm not sure if I ever actually mentioned it here (I can barely remember what I ate for dinner last night) but I have moved my Pagan Blog Project blogging to a tumblr.  This was always meant to be my personal blog and while my spirituality is a huge part of my personal life it just felt like since that was all I ever got a chance to post that this had become a spiritual blog that may have bordered on preachy so if you're interested in seeing the rest of my posts for PBP (which I'm behind on, again.) Please head on over to my Sanctuary.  ^w^  Thanks and blessed be.

The following contains whining.  Feel free to skip it.

So recently we took a few moments to entertain the possibility of moving back home to Eastern Colorado.  Now I was reluctant to even talk about it because I was afraid it would get my hopes up but because there appeared to be only a question of jobs it seemed like enough of a possibility to talk about it.

Yeah... I realize now I should have just stuck to my not talking about it policy because I totally got my hopes up and now the reasons it was brought up aren't as definite as they sounded.  >.<  I hate the city.  Funny thing is for a while I thought that maybe there was really no way that we could do it.  We're used being able to run to hellmart in the wee hours of the morning if we have to or have several options for eating out, etc.  But then as we got to talking about it I realized that most of the things I'd miss are pretty much already gone or something we can't afford anymore anyway like Hastings is closed, eating out at a restaurant only happens once in a great while and we're too broke to go shopping anyway.

So really the only reasons I wouldn't want to go is reasons that have to do if we were to have another baby.  Other than that there's not a whole lot of reasons to stay I realized but there are so many reasons moving back would be good, like Darius growing up around his grandparents and great grandparents.  Oh and getting out of the house once in a while because we know people down there.  Here?  Pretty much all of our friends graduated and got the hell out of this craphole.

*sigh*

So last weekend we went back home for a long weekend to help throw a party for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary and coming back to Greeley sucked.  It was so depressing.  I was ready to get back to my own bed, see Takara and that kind of stuff but I wished that those things were there so we wouldn't have to go.  Now I know that he'll grow out of it and before we know it and D will remember who his grandparents are and stuff like that but right now he only sees them once a month if we're lucky so it makes it really hard on all of us.  We need a break, they want to snuggle and play with him and he wants to know who the hell these people are that keep bugging him.  It's depressing.

So on top of all this is the fact that I keep trying to think of ways I can help out with the whole money situation and that's not working out well either.  Have a mentioned lately how big of a waste of money college was?

Oh and I lost my wallet, my awesomesauce NES controller wallet, last weekend too.  What kills me is I lost it a day that I know my every last step and it's nowhere to be found. WTF?  It makes no sense.  Best part is if even if someone honest has found it my license has the wrong address.  SWEETNESS.  Mostly annoying but it just kind of added onto everything else ya know?

So there's my whine-fest for a while.  It's just some stuff I wanted to get off my chest before my head explodes from it.  

Also, I fully intend on trying to post more.  It's just by the time I get my internet time at night I'm too tired to do anything more than veg out on tumblr and Sims Social and not do anything that might require any kind of thinking or editing, lol.

Destroying Ourselves

Alright... so I wrote this a while back and it's long and ranty & probably doesn't even make sense by the end because I'm terrible at keeping my ideas organized, my essays in college are horrific.  So yeah... Just a warning.

Again I'm taking a Women's Studies course.  Not my favorite class by a long shot.  Well today we were talking about how media affects women and then how it's just women being oppressed more and more.  (a little of which I believe is someone reading into ads a little too much, but whatever)  I hate this class simply because it feels like 24/7 male bashing.  It's also full of poor unsuspecting little freshies who are fresh out of Mommy & Daddy's arms to the big world on their own to develop their own ideas and opinions and they're having this crap shoved into their impressionable little heads.

*headdesk*

Yes, let's teach women to hate men, that sounds like a great idea.

Maybe I'm odd. I married a man who every day tells me I'm beautiful and looks at me with nothing but love.  (balls, now I'm tearing up, lol)  I'm not saying that women aren't oppressed or being treated unfairly in the world.  Yes I'm angered by the fact that I only make 74 cents or so to every dollar a man makes, that's unfair BUT I don't feel this is only the fault of men.  I'm also angry that women are expected to be rail thin and perfect, but this also isn't only by the fault of men.  They don't deserve to have all of that placed on their heads.

Women are largely responsible for the pressure on women to look "perfect".  Don't believe me?  Come on ladies let's be HONEST here, we've ALL done this.

You're with friends and a skinny "good looking" woman (by America's current standards) walks by.  What gets said?

Things like:

"Those can NOT be real"

"There's no way you can eat and still be that skinny"

"That's not natural."

Now a thicker woman walks by:

"Someone eats their feelings."

"Has she looked in a mirror?"

"She can't be happy looking like that."

I know this happens because I myself am guilty and I have overheard other women say these types of things every damn day.  We have all at one point talked shit about another woman for her looks for one reason or another.  We are more guilty than anyone for what ads have come to represent.

A Twitter friend Nanti_SARRMM sent me this article while I was ranting and raving on Twitter (poor Tweeps who follow me get that kind of stuff a lot, lol) Worthless Women and the Men Who Create Them and it's a great blog by a man and how they make women feel worthless and how they need to make a change to their behavior to help women realize they are NOT worthless.  And yeah, men are partially responsible for women and their skewed vision of themselves and other women, but they're not the whole problem.  Women are ridiculously critical of each other and ourselves.  I think we've all seen something we've pointed out on someone else in ourselves, which then just makes us feel worthless.

So my point, which sounded really good in my head but now doesn't seem to be being made very well as I write this, is that men are not the only ones responsible for women having a terrible self image of themselves.  Women are just as much, if not MORE, responsible than men.  ALSO, men feel pressures of advertising too.  How often is a man in an ad without a shirt, a guy that doesn't have a 6 pack?  Yeah, almost NEVER.  Both men and women are being shown what someone (who needs their damn head examined) thinks is the ideal man or woman every day.  It's all over TV, newspapers, magazines, billboards, and the internet.  Pretty much unless you're blind, or maybe Amish or something, you're going to see these things every day of your life.

and...

/rant.

Please, tell me what you think.  Are you a guy constantly feeling the pressure to be a muscular stud?  A woman sick & tired of not even being able to feel comfortable in her own skin because society keeps telling her that a healthy weight makes you unhappy?  Who do you blame?  A week or so ago my photo prof mentioned readers being upset with Sports Illustrated for using healthier models and how they lost business as a result.  Who's responsible?

City vs. Podunk (Rant)

So I try not to rant on here anymore because it's depressing for my followers but here is a quick rant.

Here's a #RandomFact about me.  I get really riled up about people calling the city a small town or podunk.  So here are some things that I consider make a place a small city rather than a small town or podunk.  

I grew up in a town of 660 people.  My graduating class?  28.  And we were such a big class they had to split us up (well that and we were a bit crazy altogether. :P) and I think we were like the 3rd largest class the school had ever had.

Unless you've partied in a field... you didn't grow up in podunk. :P  Well that or you were a good kid or had too strict of parents to get away with such things.  Have you dived into a sunflower field because you thought the cops were coming up the road?  I have.

If you have anything more than a community college (2 year) it's not a small town.  You can possibly have a Walmart but if you have two, you're definitely not a small town.  More than one school (meaning more than 1 of each level like elementary)?  No.

More than 1 of the same fast food chain or Starbucks, or theaters?  So not a small town.

Sorry but you may be in a small city but it's not a town.  Yeah, yeah... details, details but this is one of my pet peeves.  I have no idea why I get so riled up about it but I do.

My town?  2 gas stations (1 Co-op owned as is our hardware store & mechanic), 1 store that's not a major chain, 2 bars (hey gotta have lots of the important stuff true- but one is part of the American Legion), a post office and an elementary school & middle/high school, 1 restaurant/motel & 1 no name fast food-ish place.  Oh wait and 1 ridic over priced hotel for people looking to get away from the city.  We had a theater at one time but it's abandoned (well the owner lives above it but it's not in use & equip is WAY old) with the exception of the 1 movie that will play in it next weekend (the first time it's been used in about 20 years).

Oh and if you think my town is small... My husband's hometown has a post office & a school (all grades in 1 building) & maybe 200 people...

Ummm.  End rant.

Tell Me You're Kidding

My job is slowly killing my soul.

Warning: Rant Ahead

My workplace has a loyalty program and now anything purchased in store (except tobacco & lottery count towards points. $1=1pt After so many points you get an extra discount on your gas).

So here's what is pissing me off.

First it's that we have to ask for the loyalty card and if we fail to do so the first time is a write up and second time is fired. I'm sorry but that's ridic on it's own, but whatever.

So then they changed the registers to print EVERY receipt. Yeah we're killing a forest a day, I shit you not. It's ridic. We can ask if they want a receipt. If so, we print a receipt. If not, we go on about our merry way. It worked before, why not now? Oh because customers want to know their points. No, corporate wants them to want to know.

So now we have to circle it on the receipt and point it out to them or... yep fired.

So as I said before tobacco and lottery don't count but get this if someone buys just those or one of those two we still have to ask for the loyalty card. It's complete bull. If I were a customer I would be pissed if they had me dig out my card when it didn't even matter.

Plus there's all this shit we have to ask and then we have to suggest something else for them to buy. I'm sorry but when I'm a customer I want to go in, get my crap and get out. One time we were doing a fundraiser and so then it was also "would you like to donate to __" and I had customers bitching about everything I was asking! But do you think that mattered? (ummm if you're wondering... no it didn't)

So today I got bitched at (not by my mgr or a coworker but by some close to corporate jerk who doesn't know how to do anything but bitch about what's not being done right) for not asking customers who bought just ciggs.

Yeah... stick a fork in me... I'm freaking done.

Begone Sad Post!

New post to get rid of my last emo post. I hate emo posts and I rarely do them so now I will write something worth reading.

So I've been working with an awesome photographer here at the Univ who is doing head shots for the theater dept. I've only assisted him one day (was supposed to today but the shoot was canceled) and I will be helping tomorrow. It's Peter Konerko who does head shots for actors and actresses as well as his own work, all of which can be checked out at his website. He's pretty much amazing and I feel so blessed to have this opportunity. I've already learned so much from him after just one shoot. I'm going to be way bummed when this is over.

As you can see in my sidebar--->
I finished Lover Awakened of the Black Dagger Brotherhood and it was AH-MAZING. Started Lover Revealed and just a couple chapters in was already struggling to not cry. Damnit. Lol. I still love it though. ^w^ I should be reading Matsui's Story and I will but damn it's hard to put these books down. Like tortuous to be away from them. #truth

Plus they have very well written sexy time. Yay for sexy time. ^w~

I am having a terrible time concentrating on homework. Srsly. It's ridiculous. I would rather read anything but a text book. Especially if it's my Asian Civ text. BO-RING!! I like history... just not reading about it via textbook. I did however do the reading and do my workbook for Nihongo (Japanese) though. I'd have what she assigned today done... if I didn't suck at kanji. Seriously I am TERRIBLE at remembering kanji, it's ridic. I know less than a 5 year old I swear, lol.

I got an order from Sephora today. I've been a member of their points thingie for like a year or so and just finally ordered. I got the Urban Decay Complexion Primer Potion and the Eyeshadow Primer Potion. The Eyeshadow UDPP was the XL and came with a UD lipstick, lip gloss, mascara and eyeliner...

The verdict?

I'm in LOVE!

Urban Decay is my new favorite makeup and I'm thinking there are going to be a lot more UD purchases in my future. Srsly. My eyeshadow is just as perfect as when I put it on at around 1pm. Oh and the color is so much more brighter and what it should be.

Okay... I'll shut up about it now... I'm just so damned excited about it hahaha.

Oh and Lady A's new album comes out Tuesday... I'm DYING. I can't wait for more songs sung by the ever so sexy Charles Kelley. Srsly anything he sings is a #pantydroppin'song. #truth

Warning: I am about to get on my soapbox and rant about politics.

I'm thinking about getting more involved in elections, more than just my usual voting. Those who know me know that I am neither Republican or Democrat and I pretty well hate those parties because I feel like they have too much power. Most voters see their ballot and only pay attention to the candidates everyone hears about and ignores the fact that there are plenty of other candidates from other parties. I'm not saying I'm gung ho for the communists but everyone goes for the "lesser of two evils". Ummm no. Vote for who you truly support, not who you think is the least amount of trouble.

I voted from who I really supported. Later my G-parents (who I love dearly but we have WAY different political opinions) and I were having a convo about voting and I said that people need to realize it doesn't have to be the lesser of two evils and my Gramps said that if you don't vote for one of the two "main" candidates your vote was wasted. I replied with "Well I'd rather my vote be wasted than to vote for someone I don't fully support." He kinda caved a little with that. Which was awesome because he is stubborn (as am I) so to get him to even lean a little is something, lol.

So yeah that turned into a bit of a novel but what I'm saying is that I want to get more involved. Mostly in getting people to realize that in order to get away from this bs we gotta start paying more attention to ALL candidates and what they stand for and voting for who we truly support.

George Washington warned the country over 200 years ago about the negative effects of political parties in a letter he wrote to the nation just before leaving office.

“The common and continual mischiefs of the spirit of party are sufficient to make it the interest of a wise people to discourage and restrain it. It serves always to distract the public counsels and enfeeble the public administration. It agitates the community with ill founded jealousies and false alarms; kindles the animosity of one part against another, foments occasional riot and insurrection. It opens the door to foreign influence and corruption, which find a facilitated access to the government itself through the channels of party passions.”

Our main political parties no longer care about what is best for the people and the parties are too busy slinging mud to focus on the real issues at hand. I think it's time we do something about it and make a movement for a REAL change.

*steps off soapbox*

Mental Exhaustion

I had to take a break from my attempt at homework. I have to vent and do it quick or I may explode. Warning- my sailor mouth is exposed in this post.

My day has been crap. Migraine which I fought all day, and having to go print photos in a brightly lit room while staring at a computer screen was not helping at all. Then I've finally got it down to a dull roar so I can work on other stuff and I'm so damn stressed I can't focus. I keep bouncing from one thing to another and I'm not getting a damn thing done as a result. I keep bursting into tears, which definitely isn't helping matters either.

So I have a little "interview final" due in Japanese tomorrow. Sensei will ask questions and I have to answer them. Simple right? Yeah you'd think so other than the questions are in Japanese and I'm having a hell of a time translating them, and well without knowing what the question is asking it's a bit hard to answer it. Don't tell me to try online translators either. I've tried them all and nothing ever fucking works and I've had it.

Then I have a final photo project due tomorrow which I'm stressing hardcore. Still not sure how I want to present it and what's in my head looks spectacular, if only I had the means to make it reality. Then I'd like to have resubmitted some photos from previous projects and done extra credit for this one as well but it just ain't happenin'.

Then on top of all that I'm pretty well failing Art History III. That class if fucking ridiculous hard. As in I don't know how anyone that doesn't have a perfect photographic memory could ever pass with anything more than a freaking C. Oh the best part? I have to pass it with a B. _^&!_#^&!#(_^&(@#&^!!!!!!!!!! So I decided to do all the possible extra credit available, which is a whole 4 art work comparison that will help me out with 40 test percentage points, which may help had I not failed two of the three tests we've taken. It would also help me out greatly if I could just stop bursting into tears from the stress so I could read the damn textbook and see the computer screen in order to write it. At this point it would be better if I could fail it outright, then at least I could do grade forgiveness...

Then on top of it all my dumbass agreed to do a party tomorrow evening. Why? I'm a glutton for punishment apparently. Normally it's something I look forward to. I get to have fun, crack jokes about sex, educate women on keeping things spicy and make a some money while I'm at it, yet I'm so stressed out that even that joy has been sucked from my life.

Pretty much I hate everything right now.

Also, feel sorry for my husband who sat here all evening, watching me burst into tears every little bit and not knowing what the hell he could do to help. Poor man.